GENERAL ASSEMBLY SPEECH TRANSLATED


United Nations General Assembly chamber.

UN General Assembly chamber

I like the General Assembly of the United Nations.  It provides, once a year, a platform for African Presidents (Africa is my favorite topic, so I stick to it) to have fun and convey how well a country is doing under their leadership.

 They stand in front a green marble podium facing delegates with multi plugs in their ears translating non-sense in the 6 official languages of the United Nations.

The podium is far and high enough so, according to new trends, no shoes can hit them.

During the president’s speech the wife, the co-wife and the children together with the co-children and the confusing special entourage of the families of the various families’ ministries, sip tea or coffee while getting ready in their hotel suit for the day outing and shopping in the big stores of Fifth Avenue. It is Christmas in September and without the snow.

I understand their favorite place is the Millennium hotel and the Waldorf Astoria which, during the General Assembly period sets you back a nifty US$5,000 per night.

The president of a famous African country is ready for his speech;
“But Africa has an efficient brotherhood called the Organization of African Unity African Unity (Oh!Ah!Uh!)in Ali Baba Addis Ababa and the 53 thieves members could send one consigliere on their behalf, wouldn’t that be cheaper?”
“No! That’s against the secret oath.”
“Ok!”

“Mr. President, Mr. Secretary General, fellow delegates, ladies and gentlemen, it is my honor to address you.
More children are going to schools because it is now free.”
“Actually, it is true! Schools are very free of everything; free of books, teachers, desks, teaching material and chalk.  It is only hunger and uniforms which are not free.”

“The economy is recovering and the problems due to internal difficulties has been resolved.”
“Listen, “recovering” , he said it in one syllable (reeeeving), like a cough, so it is not clearly understood.  Others, will pronounce the word slowly (re- one, two, three co- one, two, three ve-  one, two, three RING) in the hope you forget the earlier syllable.”
“That’s a lie then!”
“Presidents omit the truth which is not a lie in diplomatic language. It is more polite to say “internal difficulties” instead of “my election rigging was a total fuck up”.”

“The environment is doing very well”.
“The presidents must look up, that’s a cue to allow enough time for the startled audience to clap.”
Applause
 “Thank you!”
This part is technical for novices and means “the country provides no clean water and electricity to avoid pollution.
 Presidents trick delegates to applaud as a defensive tactic allowing enough time to look out for any shoes being thrown.”

“Also, the health sector is improving.”  ….
 “ Understand,  Africa is a looter’s paradise. He is actually saying “We are doing a brisk job selling the mosquito net donated by  NGOs and are now importing fake generic drug cheaper than the original.”

“… and we are tackling poverty quite efficiently”.
“Now,  you are on your own. Translate  …”
“So…he says that all the poor may die because his government stole the maize stock and sold it to another country. 
“Very good, now you understand! That’s how they eradicate poverty!”

“However, our country and continent needs more fair trade.”
“We need more investments to get our kick back.”
“Perfect!”  

“And now since you know the facts, I am sure you will give me some good news to take back to my people.
Thank you very much”
Applause

Patrick- Bernard

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One response to “GENERAL ASSEMBLY SPEECH TRANSLATED

  1. I really like this post!!I think you are a fun person 🙂

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