The New Year will have new crops for spring and probably more crap from the politicians. Let’s see how inventive they will be for 2011.
It is time to return all that you borrowed. In my case you have until 31st December midnight to get your things back. Pass the deadline; I will consider your items mine.
I probably will not show up anywhere, unless I am invited, as I don’t want your presence to bring me bad luck. Anyway, if you insist remember that I like to drink red wine. Better, I am willing to bring my bottle so I don’t have to wind you up at your cost.
Anyway, bear in mind that New Year’s resolutions do not work. So don’t suffer by not smoking, drinking or eating pass the stroke of midnight. You will be a miserable bloke annoying the ones wanting to have a good time.
The only resolution I will accept is for you to stop sending chain letters. I do not feel guilty by not forwarding them to 5, 10 or 20 of my friends or deleting them as spasms. Actually my friends are grown up and I wish for them to stay as such.
Before I forget, a toast and happy New Year to WikiLeaks Julian Assange he brought to the world the gifts that Santa has not been able to ho ho ho from the time he put on his red silly suit.
My prediction for the New Year is that I will receive phone calls from the people who never gave a shit about me the whole year. I don’t feel bad as the feeling is mutual with the exception that I will not call you.
My phone will SMS non stop from people I hardly know. Don’t insist it will be a waste of your money as my phone, as usual, will be on selective mode. It selects the sms that deserve to be read.
Please, wherever you are don’t start crying because the old year is gone. It was not so good anyway and drama queen tears just irritate me and make champagne taste bitter. So don’t spoil the fun.
I wish to all my good friends a divorce so I don’t have to hear about their bad relationship in 2011, a solid prenuptial agreement if they wish to jump from the good life to marriage. Also, children if it is for love and not decoration, a need to keep up with the Jones or a pension scheme for old age.
My resolutions, that I can keep for the New Year, is to eat the food and drink the wine that I like, not listen to advice from people always asking me for advice, get a haircut only once a month, listen to music at the volume I want since I’ve got headphone, tell it like it is, not go to these mega weddings where they serve self-service food, no funerals this year since the people I like will live on, not excuse myself again for calling my father’s ex-wife by his late girl friend’s name, help more my homeless friend whose seems to be getting crazier and be nastier to people who are rude to me.
The resolutions I wish but are a pipe dream and will never happen is for a Tsunami to hit a meeting of the head of states of the African Union, for poachers to get unicorned by rhinos, to have a gay albino as president of Uganda, for some politicians to keep their drugs and give me my social booze back after hours, Sarkozy to have a role in the new version of Snow White and the seven dwarfs and for Obama to stop embarrassing me.
“Happy New Year”
Now, let’s toast, kiss kiss and no problem if you don’t like champagne.
“Give me your glass!”